M is for Matriarch

So I started writing this post back in March. To be perfectly honest, I have been sitting in a funk since then. For some reason I couldn't bring my self to posting this but I think its time.

   So, as many of you already know my Great Grandmother passed away recently. This is dedicated to her.
She was an absolute angel, and if you saw how many people attended her services you would have seen she touched lives on a level that few can achieve.

                                                 Helen Lorene Beresford Emery 1926-2012

L- is for Love

So I cant sleep, and this seems to becoming a habit. I lay there and try to get comfy, I try to relax, and let the world fall away so I can retreat into my sanctuary.... and then nothing, well nothing except pain. My hand and my arm wont stop shaking and I am getting random sharp pains. I had to get out of bed. Now I know just a couple of days ago I mentioned that my doctors had diagnosed me with MS. Now this is a mother of an illness and there are some people who are lucky enough not to have flares as often as others. To top off the diagnosis of MS I received a confirmation of Lupus. Arent I a lucky gal? I think I will put today in the bad pile. I had a visit at the neurologists office today, again. They did my eeg, apparently they gave me a few seizures during the test and had to keep me for a little bit for observation. I was shaking kinda mildly this morning and after they induced the seizures it got worse. With these ones I felt funny, and I remembered recently feeling like that and feeling so sick and discombobulated (if that is a word... WELL IT IS NOW). I need to be more mindful of my symptoms. So even after that I attempted to work today, it was a very sad sorry excuse for an attempt. I felt so useless and halfway there halfway not. I had to admit to our director today when we spoke that yesterday I lost about 10 minutes of time. POOF gone. NO FUCKING clue what the hell happened. I came to and I had a piece of paper in my hand, I was shaking, and everything in between was a complete loss. It is getting worse with time, and I seem to be losing bigger chunks of time too. At first it was like forget what i was gonna say, then space in the middle of a sentance, studder and try to find words that just arent there. Few people understand me, and going through this even less understand me. For crying out out I dont understand me. I'm terrified to walk to work from the parking garage. You bet your sweet ass I make it through those crosswalks as quick as I freakin can. Lovely, a nifty little chunk of hair landed on the desk. I can deal with a couple here and there but when I brush my hair from my face and I have more and more hair coming out with minimal effort it bothers me. Its late and I should make another attempt at sleep. I have to keep on telling my self that I have to keep goin. That there are a few someones in this world who rely on me, I cant let them see me like this.

K is for killing my self and karma...

Hold the flippin phone. Yes. That is what this is all about. Before you rush to call the cops for a welfare check or something stupid like that read on. (those of you who truly know me, know that is not an option.) So. Here I sit once more behind this keyboard and I cant keep my eyes from welling up and my hands from shaking. I am sometimes to god damn stubborn for my own damn good. So I have been told.. Many, many times. Mostly from my mom. I had my MRIs done on my neck and head. The neck shows that I have bulging disks, and there are lesions on my nerves in my neck. The brain shows lesions. I went to the neurologist appointment today; kinda glad I went even when I sorta, kinda didnt want to. The neurologist didnt look at me like I was crazy when I was discussing my issues with him. He had reviewed my chart again and is first of all recomending that start with investing in a cpap machine. He was irritated that the insurance company didnt offer it to me to buy when my coverage was up. Then again I was under state coverage. I have another sleep study in my near future, and at that time he will provide me with the information about companies that offer discounted prices. Hoses will add up in cost but when the doctor tells you hey by the way last time you were here you stopped breathing 80 times a night... I think my son will thank me and hate me eventually for this. I'll explain more later. Later this week I have an EEG scheduled. That will look at my brain waves... again. Intrigued eh? yeah, yo tam bien. for you white folks out there that means me too or something of that sort. That was how my seizures were diagnosed in the first place. After that he said he would like to get my seizueres back under control with medication. I am not a fan of the medication. I am not a fan of the seizures. So I think I may have to choose the lesser of two evils. The tremors in my hands will be controled by medication as well. Oh! and I ALMOST forgot the best part after the eeg! AN INJECTION TO THE NECK!!! FUCK YEAH JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!! [let us have a moment] Alright so moving along. What else... Shit what isn't else the fluffin kitchen sink?... Wait it is, after the eeg I will have to wash my hair in the sink, in their office. shit. Well heres to messed up hair and covering it up with a bandana. hahaha. And I'm not through yet with this disaser train, it gets better... Or worse depending on whos shoes you are in. Lab work no big deal, rule out Lupis or some thing crazy like that. You know Dr. K said "you know you have beautiful freckles, and rosie red cheeks, I am sorry to say but your rosie cheeks must go. how long have your cheeks been that red?" "i dunno i guess since I was born, I have always had rosie red cheeks, as long as I can remember. School teachers used to tell me not to wear make up and my mom had to explain i was just that way and it just never went away." "I am sorry my dear but you may have to start using blush." LMFAO! I havent had a laugh that good in I dont know how long. I have a vascular test as well. Do you see the price tag adding up on this bitch? Also when he examined my eyes my left eye shows scar tissue and my pupil doesnt dialate like it should. The scar tissue is from when i lost eye sight in October. Spinal Tap!? I thought that was just a fake metal band that actually sorta half way made it by being fake.... RIGHT? Who has two thumbs and is gonna be in a fuck load of pain... this gal right here. This price tag keeps getting bigger and bigger. I could start selling shit right? I will. I dont have much sewn but once the meds kick in and my hands stop shaking long enough to hold a freakin needle I can get back on track. I mentioned that lil man may hate me or thank me eventually. He probally will. hes not going to have a child hood like normal kids.He isnt old enough to process all of this. Hell I am old enough and I dont know if I can process all of this. Its not right when you fall down on the floor and you have no fuckin clue how the hell you got there. Your two and a half year old comes running out of his room yelling MOMMIE YOU OKAY?!?! He watched me stumble around and make it to the couch, where I sat until I felt that the world wasnt going to fall out from under me. My heart would break every couple of minutes when he would come out of his room and check on me. "Mommie you okay?" "yes my love go play." "okay you not sure i go play." I could see in his lil eyes that he was concerned about me. I dont want him to grow up afraid to go and play because mom might fall. So now I get to the point about killing my self. This is a medical condition that is called Multiple Sclerosis. My body is attacking its self. My immune system see the mylean sheath and nerves as my enemy. Fantastic. Daniel tells me that I cant let it rule my life. And I totally agree but there are some days where I'm afraid to cross the street becuse I feel uneasy and I might fall. I wont let this win and I cant. There is always someone else who I am responsible for. Update complete.

Make faces at mom.

Sleep like a BOSS

That handsome little boy makes my world go round. :) Another Day, and definately Another Time. Sew Ducky Sew

J- is for Jumbled up Junk

I may not make much sense today, lets first of all get that out of the way. This pain isnt correct, there is something wrong. Never have I felt so non functional and useless as I currently am. Since October 24th when I woke up with my eyes swollen I have had a constant headache. Some days it is mild and tolerable enough so that I dont have to be so medicated. Other days like today warranted a trip to the ER. It was SO awesome. Not really. I have already had blood work, an MRI, a CAT scan with contrast, and a CAT scan without contrast. Everything says that my brain is okay. If your next thought or words to come out of your mouth are "well its all in your head" you are right you dick, it IS all in my head. I would never wish this pain on anyone else. I mean there are some pretty crappy people in the world and I could give you a list of 5 I know off the top of my head. I would like some answers to the cause of my pain and a well thought out recovery plan, and please no more medication to mask my symptoms. My pockets are not that deep and I have already blown through all of my FSA money on the flex card. I thought I put enough money away to keep us covered for regular visits and medications. WRONG. Oh so very wrong. I dont know how the hell these medical bills are going to get paid. But I have 6 bottles of medication in front of me and this is getting crazy! My liver is about to pack her bags and hit the fucking road. I worry that maybe my kidneys could be next. I had one doctor tell me that my mri showed signes of a mild stoke, maybe he was just going off of my appearance and not actual results. I had my new doctor review the information and hes has stated it looks fine, that there is not anyting abnormal to worry about. He ordered MRI, but at the last minute it was changed to a CAT scan with the contrast. I hope I don't need to have that contrast ever again. Talk about one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced... It burns when its injected through the IV, and its not a slow steady injection. HELL NO I watched this automated pump force about 8 ounces of this stuff into an 18 gauge IV. Yeah I have a bruise. Once the contrast is in it burns your insides and once it hits your kidneys it makes you feel like you pissed on your self. Glad the techs warned me about that feeling. I would have flipped out even more. I had already had a panic attack in the waiting room. Please keep in mind my appt was at 845am. I was sitting in the waiting room and everyone had already come and gone. I got fed up and asked what the hell was the hold up. I had already taken the Valium that the doctor gave me and it didnt help anyway though, but if they tried to put me in the machine mid attack i would not have been okay at all. The receptionist said that the person performing the procedured talked to my dr and they felt it would be best to go CAT scan... THANKS ASSHOLES! I was still shakey during the CAT scan. When I left the office I broke down in the car, and my Danny love gave it his best and tried to help me feel better. I am still waiting on the results from the CAT scan with the contrast. However my trip to the er today gave me an immediate result from a CAT scan. This doctor in the er said it looked good, nothing abnormal. He said that I will need to see a neurologist... Again. The condition this er doc is going with is called Neuropathy and could potentially be the answer to my facial paralisis. You know it could be treated and possibly cured, if it is found early enough. Since 2010 my face has had almost all sensation on my right side, my eye droops, and I hate to admit but at times I have to wipe my mouth because I've started to drool, taking the medication makes it worse. So lets not hold our breath eh. I'm glad we're separated by this screen because I think about this I start to cry. I dont appreciate your stares. I caught you staring before, you tried to make it not so obvious but you suck at that. So like I said jumbled junk right. The medication has taken its toll and I have a feeling it will be hard to hear my alarm in the morning. Another Day Another Time Sew Ducky Sew

Investigation: injustice

Only words that have recently come to mind when i thought about writing a blog for the I words.
Sometimes I feel like I cant sit for a moment without thinking of all the not so nice things that happen thoughout the day.
Just between us I think they may have the wrong person for the job. I question what I do, and I have NEVER had doubt as big as this when it comes to my job. I love it, honestly I do. I help people every day and I dont know if I could have a job that rewards me as much as this. I am proud to serve the people of texas. I would just rather go back to answering phones, answering questions and help in the capacity I was before. I think i made a better impact and difference there. As an investigator, well wait... I'm not even that, I am an underpaid, underglorified csr, Im not even fairly compensated for my mental stress (which has been quite a bit lately). I can do what I used to, and now there are more responsibilities, and someone nitpicking the whole flippin way. Go me. Way to move up eh... When changes happened I KNEW the bus didnt even have to move and I would be trown under it. I was right.
I had a meeting with the director not so long ago and I told him I was ready to quit, give up right then and there and say goodbye. I explained my reasons and he basically said I couldnt quit even if I wanted to. I've been on radar for a while (i dont know if its good or bad) and apparently the one person who I thought would be the one to stand in my way of success was actually the one who strongly advocated for me to take on these new job duties and responsibilites. Hes the one who put that carrot in front of my face last year and I bit, like a sucker. He saw he got a reaction out of me when I was backed into a corner. I have seriously considered quitting, I have responsibilites though.
It is an injustice to my self and to the people i serve. I have been challenged on a specific section of UI law. the grand puba jedi UI master at eptc even backed me up on it. Apparently the beating the poor horse got the first time wasnt to the satisfaction of the nitpicker... it went to state office and I was shut up. Not because I was wrong. Because someone wanted to save face and their own ass. I have made many enemies during my career there. I blame my OCD. I have even corrected our Operations manager on a case that he incorrectly issued a decision on. Someone was truly screwed over by that, yes I had a smile on my face and so did my supervisor when I fixed it. But when I am told that my investigation wasnt good enough, and no not just this one but every other one I have touched leaves me feeling a lil pissed and just a lil upset for those who i have served. It isnt fair, yeah yeah life isnt fair bite my ass. But when my name is associated with any kind of work it better be quality. Those who know me know that it is and sometimes even better. Just check out my last review, out of all the calls monitored from feb 2010 to nov 2011 I only had two that were not outstanding and in typical Duck fashion I wanted to hear them and sit down and argue over those two. I am in no way a perfectionist, HAHA far from it, but I take pride it what I do.


Yes it has come to a point where I realize I have been rambling. I am so upset over this stuff. I think it may be a part of my constant headaches.. did you know there is only so much one person can take and having a migraine since october 24th is enough to make someone MAD. The first MRI did not show anything that would be helpful. Medication hasnt come to my rescue. I am scheduled for another one on Thursday and maybe this one will give some more insight as to the brain pain, and facial numbness. Please dont stare (you are going to hell), I know my face is jacked up. Note to self: medication makes me ramble, mean, and feel a lil tipsy (good thing I dont drive lol)
As far as my sewing projects you can guess there havent been many that I have felt like working on. Just some hemming projects, and repairs.
Additional note to self: create carrying case design for lil mans new mobigo and games. Santa was kind this year.
My resolution, not that you care but if you read this far damn.. good job. I will return to school, I started studies in Business Management but I will be considering Law, more specifically Unemployment Law. I will also expand on my fledgling AVON business (how else am i gonna play these medical bills). Debt will be eliminated, and home (that belongs to us & the bank lol) will be aquired.

Consider your ass handed to you 2012.

Another Day
Another Time

Sew Ducky Sew