Sew Ducky Sew: K is for killing my self and karma...

Hold the flippin phone. Yes. That is what this is all about. Before you rush to call the cops for a welfare check or something stupid like that read on. (those of you who truly know me, know that is not an option.) So. Here I sit once more behind this keyboard and I cant keep my eyes from welling up and my hands from shaking. I am sometimes to god damn stubborn for my own damn good. So I have been told.. Many, many times. Mostly from my mom. I had my MRIs done on my neck and head. The neck shows that I have bulging disks, and there are lesions on my nerves in my neck. The brain shows lesions. I went to the neurologist appointment today; kinda glad I went even when I sorta, kinda didnt want to. The neurologist didnt look at me like I was crazy when I was discussing my issues with him. He had reviewed my chart again and is first of all recomending that start with investing in a cpap machine. He was irritated that the insurance company didnt offer it to me to buy when my coverage was up. Then again I was under state coverage. I have another sleep study in my near future, and at that time he will provide me with the information about companies that offer discounted prices. Hoses will add up in cost but when the doctor tells you hey by the way last time you were here you stopped breathing 80 times a night... I think my son will thank me and hate me eventually for this. I'll explain more later. Later this week I have an EEG scheduled. That will look at my brain waves... again. Intrigued eh? yeah, yo tam bien. for you white folks out there that means me too or something of that sort. That was how my seizures were diagnosed in the first place. After that he said he would like to get my seizueres back under control with medication. I am not a fan of the medication. I am not a fan of the seizures. So I think I may have to choose the lesser of two evils. The tremors in my hands will be controled by medication as well. Oh! and I ALMOST forgot the best part after the eeg! AN INJECTION TO THE NECK!!! FUCK YEAH JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!! [let us have a moment] Alright so moving along. What else... Shit what isn't else the fluffin kitchen sink?... Wait it is, after the eeg I will have to wash my hair in the sink, in their office. shit. Well heres to messed up hair and covering it up with a bandana. hahaha. And I'm not through yet with this disaser train, it gets better... Or worse depending on whos shoes you are in. Lab work no big deal, rule out Lupis or some thing crazy like that. You know Dr. K said "you know you have beautiful freckles, and rosie red cheeks, I am sorry to say but your rosie cheeks must go. how long have your cheeks been that red?" "i dunno i guess since I was born, I have always had rosie red cheeks, as long as I can remember. School teachers used to tell me not to wear make up and my mom had to explain i was just that way and it just never went away." "I am sorry my dear but you may have to start using blush." LMFAO! I havent had a laugh that good in I dont know how long. I have a vascular test as well. Do you see the price tag adding up on this bitch? Also when he examined my eyes my left eye shows scar tissue and my pupil doesnt dialate like it should. The scar tissue is from when i lost eye sight in October. Spinal Tap!? I thought that was just a fake metal band that actually sorta half way made it by being fake.... RIGHT? Who has two thumbs and is gonna be in a fuck load of pain... this gal right here. This price tag keeps getting bigger and bigger. I could start selling shit right? I will. I dont have much sewn but once the meds kick in and my hands stop shaking long enough to hold a freakin needle I can get back on track. I mentioned that lil man may hate me or thank me eventually. He probally will. hes not going to have a child hood like normal kids.He isnt old enough to process all of this. Hell I am old enough and I dont know if I can process all of this. Its not right when you fall down on the floor and you have no fuckin clue how the hell you got there. Your two and a half year old comes running out of his room yelling MOMMIE YOU OKAY?!?! He watched me stumble around and make it to the couch, where I sat until I felt that the world wasnt going to fall out from under me. My heart would break every couple of minutes when he would come out of his room and check on me. "Mommie you okay?" "yes my love go play." "okay you not sure i go play." I could see in his lil eyes that he was concerned about me. I dont want him to grow up afraid to go and play because mom might fall. So now I get to the point about killing my self. This is a medical condition that is called Multiple Sclerosis. My body is attacking its self. My immune system see the mylean sheath and nerves as my enemy. Fantastic. Daniel tells me that I cant let it rule my life. And I totally agree but there are some days where I'm afraid to cross the street becuse I feel uneasy and I might fall. I wont let this win and I cant. There is always someone else who I am responsible for. Update complete.