L- is for Love

So I cant sleep, and this seems to becoming a habit. I lay there and try to get comfy, I try to relax, and let the world fall away so I can retreat into my sanctuary.... and then nothing, well nothing except pain. My hand and my arm wont stop shaking and I am getting random sharp pains. I had to get out of bed. Now I know just a couple of days ago I mentioned that my doctors had diagnosed me with MS. Now this is a mother of an illness and there are some people who are lucky enough not to have flares as often as others. To top off the diagnosis of MS I received a confirmation of Lupus. Arent I a lucky gal? I think I will put today in the bad pile. I had a visit at the neurologists office today, again. They did my eeg, apparently they gave me a few seizures during the test and had to keep me for a little bit for observation. I was shaking kinda mildly this morning and after they induced the seizures it got worse. With these ones I felt funny, and I remembered recently feeling like that and feeling so sick and discombobulated (if that is a word... WELL IT IS NOW). I need to be more mindful of my symptoms. So even after that I attempted to work today, it was a very sad sorry excuse for an attempt. I felt so useless and halfway there halfway not. I had to admit to our director today when we spoke that yesterday I lost about 10 minutes of time. POOF gone. NO FUCKING clue what the hell happened. I came to and I had a piece of paper in my hand, I was shaking, and everything in between was a complete loss. It is getting worse with time, and I seem to be losing bigger chunks of time too. At first it was like forget what i was gonna say, then space in the middle of a sentance, studder and try to find words that just arent there. Few people understand me, and going through this even less understand me. For crying out out I dont understand me. I'm terrified to walk to work from the parking garage. You bet your sweet ass I make it through those crosswalks as quick as I freakin can. Lovely, a nifty little chunk of hair landed on the desk. I can deal with a couple here and there but when I brush my hair from my face and I have more and more hair coming out with minimal effort it bothers me. Its late and I should make another attempt at sleep. I have to keep on telling my self that I have to keep goin. That there are a few someones in this world who rely on me, I cant let them see me like this.